How to Get Your Children to Listen to You

If we can talk with our children more effectively, then we can work together with them to create more peaceful and satisfying relationships.

What we say, how we say it, how well we listen and the emotional energy we bring into our interaction – these things determine how effective we will be in sharing ideas and also understanding what our children have to say to us.

We can increase the effectiveness of all our interactions with our children if we follow a few simple guidelines:

1. Create an environment that supports communication:

If you need to talk with your child or teenager about something important - especially a sensitive issue - it is important to create an environment in which your child feels safe enough to open up.

• Choose a quiet place where you can have privacy.
• Choose a time that is comfortable for both of you (not just as you are getting home, feeling all the stresses of the day).
• Be sure to remove external distractions, such as television and telephones.
• Avoid times when either of you is mentally distracted. That means not the night before your child has a test or when you are working on a project with a close deadline.
• Most important, give your child your full attention. You will communicate more effectively and your child will get the message that he is important to you.

2. Seek first to understand:

Your child will be more willing to hear what you have to say if she feels that you are hearing what she has to say.

She has important information to share with you - about what happened, what led to it, what she was thinking and feeling, how she is feeling now - just for starters.

Remember: people open up when they feel they are being heard, but they shut down when they feel they are being lectured to.

To help your child open up:

• Ask inviting questions, such as:
• "Tell me what happened.
• "What would you like to do?"
• "What do you think?"
• "How did that work out for you?"
• "How did you feel?"
• Then be sure to REALLY listen, with the intention of understanding what is going on with your child.
• Be aware of your child’s emotional energy. Is he sad, depressed, optimistic, excited, peaceful, agitated…? If you take time to observe, you will sense how he’s feeling.

  It’s okay to say something like, “You seem sad today. Did something happen that made you sad?” Whether he tells you or not, it’s good to let him know that you want to help and you’re there for him when he feels like talking about it.

• When you do talk, always start by affirming your child. Tell her that you appreciate her or acknowledge something you admire about her. Help her to feel that she is important to you - just the way she is already.

It is important that your child knows that you love her without conditions. She does not need to do certain things or be a certain way to earn your love. She needs the security of knowing that your love is a constant in her life.

3. Ask yourself: “How can I help my child to learn from this?”

• If you do need to correct your child, do it in a way that supports his learning and growing. Ask questions such as:

  • "How did that work for you?"
  • "How do you feel about that?"
  • "How do you think (the other person involved) felt?"
  • "What could you do next time so it would work out better for everyone?"
• Let your child contribute to the solution. When you invite him to share his ideas, you may be surprised at the wisdom he brings to the situation.

4. Look for ways to build your child up:

• When you begin a conversation, especially one that is difficult or sensitive, be sure to say something positive first. That sets the tone for what follows. It tells your child that you value and appreciate her.
• Do not, under any circumstances, use words that put your child down. If you find yourself falling into that pattern, ask yourself if that is the way you want your child to show up every day. (Our children WILL behave in the way we describe them.)
• Pay special attention whenever you use the word “you.” Be sure to follow it with words that build her up and remind her of the positive things that you see in her.

5. Allow your child to experience the natural consequences of his behavior:

Every decision has certain results that occur naturally. By allowing that process to play out, you allow your child to learn what works and what doesn’t.

Then as a parent, you are not the “heavy,” but rather, your child’s teacher, life coach, supporter. That allows you to affirm him and encourage him. Then you can help him use the experience to learn more about himself and his world, and how to act in a way that works for him and the people around him.

6. Include your child at every opportunity:

Children have good ideas and they have personal preferences. When they are allowed some choices and encouraged to contribute to family discussions about issues that affect them, they learn how to make good decisions, develop a positive self-image and become more responsible. Everybody wins.

• Give your child choices whenever possible, in ways that are appropriate to her age and ability. When your child is allowed to make some of her own decisions, she is in the process of becoming a responsible adult. Isn’t that what you want for her?
• Ask for your child’s ideas whenever possible - not just about superficial things, but also when making family decisions.

  You will be surprised at how much wisdom he has - even at an early age. You will also notice that when you listen to his ideas, he will cooperate with you more and contribute more to your family.

• Let go of your need to control her.

  We don’t mean that you should allow your child to behave in inappropriate ways or run your household. But the next time you are about to have a battle with her, you might ask yourself if this is an issue about her safety or well-being or a moral decision. If it is not, then ask yourself what harm could come from allowing her to try it her way.

• Include him in problem-solving.

  You will be amazed at how creative he can be. We all see things differently, and you may find that your child’s perspective was just the answer you were looking for.

• Have regular family meetings.

  When families sit down together to talk about issues that affect all of them, everyone feels like part of the team. We encourage you to meet with your family on a regular basis, and invite everyone’s ideas.

7. Bring inviting, welcoming energy into every conversation:

This creates the possibility of a real, meaningful conversation, rather than just a confrontation. Your child is more likely to tell you what is going on with her, and you will be more able to hear from her without your own pre-judgments getting in the way.

As a result, you will be more likely to understand the situation, so you can work together to reach a positive resolution.

If you are angry, it will trigger a response in your child - perhaps anger in return, perhaps defensive denials, perhaps total shut-down. In any case, it will set up serious barriers to communication. Whatever you wanted to say will likely get lost in the process.

How can you create welcoming, inviting energy?

Before you interact with your child, it is important to shift your energy from the anger and frustration. This is easier if you are alone and in a quiet place. Driving home from work is a good time to do this.

• First, get in your heart. Stop focusing on the things that caused your anger, and shift your attention to things about your child that you appreciate.
• Connect with the love you already have for your child. Remember times when love welled up within you - perhaps the day he was born. Perhaps a time when you were enjoying each other and it felt good to be together. Allow yourself to FEEL the love.
• Bring that love energy into your conversation. Your child will feel it and will be more likely to respond by letting down defenses and being more open. Then you can have a real, meaningful conversation.

He will be more likely hear what you have to say – and you will get to know a little more about this amazing, one-of-a-kind person who is part of your life.

Best of all, being together will FEEL GOOD. Isn’t that what you want for your family?

Copyright © 2005

Pat and Larry Downing of Asheville, NC, have many years of experience counseling teenagers and their parents, conducting family mediations and leading workshops and support groups. They are co-authors of the e-Book,

For a free e-book, "How to Get the Best from Your Children," and for more information on how to create harmonious relationships with your children, you may go to: www.feelgoodparenting.com